Involuntary Labstinence

Today’s blog entry is rather bitter, just to warn you. If you read my posts from The LOVErador section in the top menu of this page you will know that my history with women has not been great so far. In few days I turn 2 years old and that means I am a proper teenager now and I need to reflect on my life so far. Especially on the fact that I am still a virgin:(

You know how , when you’re a frustrated teenager, it all shows on your complexion and stuff? That’s what’s happening to me right now. I have spots around my private area that apparently are typical for a teenage dog; I believe acne is the term that the vet used. My parents spent almost 30 quid on a special shampoo to deal with it (sort of like a dog Clearasil) I’m pretty sure I saw tears in their eyes when we left the vets!

I’ve had enough. Why am I still a virgin? My mum has been advertising my stud services for almost 6 months and nothing! I’m sure no other mother ever worked so hard to get her son laid. There were few dates arranged but they all cancelled last minute due to the bitch’s end of season or such rubbish I didn’t get.. Am I really that repulsive that no girl wants me?

Guess what – they all say they want a proven father. Catch 22 right? How can you be a proven baby daddy if no one wants to date you and let you put the bun in their oven? I’m told I’ve got great genes and scores and I’m generally perfect and it doesn’t seem to work anyway. It’s like when you’re looking for your first job and all the employers want experience.

I am really getting desperate. Take a look for yourselves:

Here’s me creeping up in the park, looking for some potential victims of my perverse fantasies.

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And this is me hitting on a dog of a bigger size and unknown (!!!) gender.

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And finally, here is me trying to hump a girl while her friends and her father are watching!

Definitely not my proudest moments, I know. So now you see I really do need a woman asap. What can I do?

Shaun

Lola Loves Shaun

Do you remember my neighbour Lola, the brown labrador goddess that just wanted to be friends? Well, she’s converted nicely – she loves me now!! I’m so happy!

Excuse the dirty picture of us, but I had to prove it, cause I still don’t believe it myself!

I don’t know how that happened to be honest with you. Must be my raw dog magnetism. On our first two dates she showed literally no interest, even pretended I wasn’t there at times, which was quite hurtful to my feelings and, well, my ego too. And then last time we saw each other she just suddenly started to respond to my flirting attempts and before I knew it, she was all over me cuddling and kissing and even, ehm, giving some attention to my private bits, but don’t tell our parents.

That’s the thing – our parents. They have some sort of crazy notion in their heads, that they cannot breed us together because I am white and she is brown – does that sound politically correct to you? Exactly!

I love all the bitches – the white ones, the yellow, the brown and the black – as long as she’s got good legs and sense of humour, I’m game. Labradors are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Love sees no colour! And the fact that she is going to have some other dog’s children soon just breaks my heart.

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I’ve just googled it – apparently yellow and chocolate theoretically CAN mate, but it’s more complicated and you need to thoroughly check the genealogy in those cases before you breed them and it can be trickier. It’s weird though, because there’s absolutely no rules against black labs mating with white ones and obviously all OK within the same colour (racist!) So I’m guessing noone’s going to bother to care about the unfulfilled and tragic love of one white Romeo and his brown Juliet 🙁

Fine, I’ll have to forget about my sexy little chocolate but life is so unfair.

Shaun