Stood Up !

A B C !

Test, Test!..

Woof, woof!?

Not sure what is a blogging dog supposed to say when testing whether his website is working, but I think we’re back online, aren’t we?

Last week mum made a real mess trying to transfer hosting of this website and it took few days and a really nice and helpful man called Craig to bring this website back online on a new hosting platform.

Anyway, in the meantime you missed one of my tiny nervous breakdowns. Not sure if you recall, but my parents have posted an ad offering my stud services when I turned 18 months (which was last month)- And a few days ago a man called asking about me and saying that he had a big labrador bitch that wanted to meet me and that she was coming out of season and we needed to hurry. I didn’t understand what was all that season gibberish about; all I heard was a big labrador bitch and hurry so we got ourselves a date for the following morning.

Everything was good and ready – I put a scented candle on, cleaned my privates and waited in my usual gorgeous position filled with anticipation and excitement, but then that man called again and cancelled.. His bitch was not in season anymore:(

I was mortified. Is this all I’m good for? A piece of hot meat used only for reproduction? How could they have even assumed that I would put out on the first date?

OK, I probably would, but they should NOT have assumed it so easily!

We didn’d have to go all the way, we could have just had a bowl of Pedigree and watch some Dog TV. Or just get to know each other a bit better.

Jeez! Humans are so clinical.

I feel cheap and used. In fact, even worse than used, because I WASN’T ACTUALLY used so both my body and my soul feel lonely and frustrated now.

Shaun

 

 

The Burbs

I’ve watched the movie called The Burbs with my parents last night and I’ll tell you something – I’ll never look at the neighbours the same way again!

I’m looking at a nice smiling 90 year old man from across the street taking the trash out, barely walking on his shaky legs and all I think about is that he’s probably carrying out dead puppies in that trash bag of his! Not to mention the thoughts that come to my mind, when I see the smoke coming out of their chimney!

I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.

Btw keep your fingers crossed – mum is moving the Blogrador website to another hosting server this evening, so who knows what will come out of it – I am really sceptical. Hosting websites is a complicated business. She can’t even put her foot in her mouth and I’m supposed to trust her with my life’s work!

I just thought of something awful – What if she’s in cahoots with the murdering old man from across the steeet?!!! What if she’s not just trying to move my website, but also move my organs ?! And they’re going to sell them on the black market…or even eat them! And then burn my remains to fuel the central heating. She has been complaining about the house being cold lately!!!:(

I don’t think I like watching TV anymore:(

Shaun

 

Boys Will Be Boys

I’m back from the break! Missed me?

OK so, in case you didn’t know – last week my mum was away and dad and I had the house to ourselves. It was great! We would hang out in the garden playing and running and he took me for many long walkies.

Then we would come back and hang out in the living room playing xbox and drinking beer. Well, technically he was actually DOING all those things; I was just watching him.

But watching someone drink is even more fun than drinking yourself.

How do I know?

Firstly – When dad went to the toilet I had a few good slurps from his pint glass and it’s really not that big of a deal as I thought it would be judging from the happy expression on dad’s face every time he opened a bottle.

Secondly – I like sitting next to dad and watching him getting more and more drunk and cursing at the xbox console as he looses – and from my observations, the more he drinks, the worse he plays, which means more cursing and more fun for me!

But I don’t like to see him suffer too long so when he got particularly bad, I gave him one of my master tilts and it seemed to have cheered him up.

Holidays are just awesome, aren’t they?

I spent most of that time just lying on the sofa like this:

You gotta admire the skills it took for me to take this selfie too!

But everything good has to end and so did my holiday – mum came back and she didn’t want to join the fun, so we had to clear out with the console and make room for labtop, which means that The Blogrador is back!

Shaun

Labradoliday

Tomorrow my mum is going away to visit my grandma abroad.

I wouldn’t mind essentially (I’m not a mama’s boy or anything!), but she IS my editor, which means I won’t be able to blog or even update anything for a full week!

I heard her ask dad if he would help me out with my website in her place, but he flatly refused saying he doesn’t believe in all that blog nonsense and dogs should not concern themselves with internet websites and posts.

He also said that he will be too busy drinking beer, watching football and playing xbox this whole time. (In case you are wondering – No, my dad is NOT a teenage boy)

Dad firmly believes that dogs should be seen not heard (or published) and it will do me some good to chew a bone (we’ll see) and maybe learn to fetch for a change (over my dead body! – as you can read HERE I don’t fetch – I do my own thing!)

Dad has always wanted a typical dog and ,between you and me,  I don’t think he likes the idea of a highly intelectual, self educated and well spoken canine using his computer and internet allowance.

As much as I disagree with dad’s assessment of a dog’s role in a modern society, I suppose a little vacation can’t kill me. I could catch up on sleeping and general resting from my highly exhausting life – all that staring in my labtop screen has been getting to me lately, and I’m scared it will make me really NEED the glasses that I’ve only been using for fun until now.

So here’s how I plan to be resting:

 

I’ll also use that time off to try my head tilting on dad and see if it works just as well as it does with mum. Will let you know how it went in a week.

In the meantime..

Shaun out!

The Tiltmaster Test

Ever noticed how much power a head tilt has? A dog can get away with murder just by looking at humans and tilting their head in a perfectly innocent way like he’s trying to understand what they’re saying or why they’re mad, but he simply cannot.

They say it’s because a dog wants to mimic humans and be more like them, but that’s rubbish, take it from me! We just know how to play humans.

I’ve realised about the tilt’s potential some time ago and I’m gonna start using it shamelessly to fit my personal needs. I already know I am pretty labradorable… Let’s see if I have enough charm to broaden my limits with this new trick. ….

I’m gonna tilt it like I mean it! Let’s see what happens..

heead tilting dog

So far , it’s been few days and I already got 15 awws and 9 kisses after a well performed tilt in carefully and strategically chosen circumstances. Not a big fan of kisses (mum tends to leave lipstick marks on my head!!) and all that girlie huggy nonsense, but I put up with them for the greater purpose – seems to make mum happy and when she’s happy she tends to be more generous. See? You’ve got to think of opportunities in life at all times!

      Awws on the other hand… them I don’t mind at all – they seem to express a big appreciation for my looks and behaviour and who doesn’t like to have their ego stroked?

So I’m going to start a life-long test on each thing that I do that I have a feeling that might be considered naughty.

Is tilting really that powerful? Let’s find out, shall we?

Feel free to post your own tilting experiences in the comments below, whether you’re a human or a dog.

Oh just one thing though – I’ve already found out that a tilt does not help you much when you’ve been sick on a sofa so just a fair warning to all the doggies that will read my post and decide to try that particular approach to test the Tiltmaster power – don’t bother.

….. or when you’ve chewed through a cable..That doesn’t seem to be any better with a tilt either.

….. or when you’ve smeared mum’s foundation all over the kitchen floor.

But still.. Lets keep testing!!

Shaun

 

International Women’s (And Bitches) Day

Today I haven’t got anything interesting to say for a change as I spent the first half of the day snoring on the sofa and the second half howling at the passers-by spotted through the window, but I just realised it is the 8th of March and I wanted to wish all the best to the lovely human ladies and fluffy labrador bitches that will read this

Shaun xxxx

Sex, Labs And Videotape

So I had an unexpected sort of a date yesterday afternoon in my favourite park.

It started so innocent. I was running about in the field, minding my own business and ignoring my dad as usual.

Just as we were about to leave, this gorgeous girl showed up. A yellow labrador bitch, built like a goddess, I mean real fox! She looked ready and willing I swear! She was circling me slowly, pretending to be interested in her little tennis ball, but come on! I know the game and I know what bitches really want, when they pretend to ignore you.

So, being a man of very few words, I have taken action straight away and went for the butt. I’m not sure what exactly happened from then, it was a blur really. Here’s a short story in pictures:

Did I really misread the signals? She couldn’t have possibly not noticed how ridiculously attractive I was, right?

Anyway she ran away as soon as my nose approached her behind:( She even moaned something under her nose, and I could swear it was not the good kind of moan either!

Maybe she was underage? That would explain it, I guess, but still….

And you know what was the worst part of it ? My mum taking photos and filming the whole thing! You really cannot count on any kind of respect or privacy in this family! I am glad that my non existing sex life amuses SOMEONE!

I am really not happy about this!

What did I do wrong??

Shaun

 

My Man Cave

I thought I’d talk a little about my crate as it is essentially my room.

I’ve noticed that some people don’t like the idea of a dog in a cage, but from my perspective – I don’t mind.

Sure, it is boring and sad if I had to sit there on my own for too long, but luckily my mum only works part-time so it’s not so bad.

The idea is that I will not have to be locked in forever – as soon as I calm down I won’t need it anymore – that’s what I’ve been told anyway.

There have been some attempts to “dogproof” the kitchen and keep me locked in there with an open crate before

Let me tell you a story about some of them “attempts”.

Some time ago they tried to make the kitchen my room and keep the crate open for me. So they removed all the knives and sharp objects from my reach, they have hidden all the food and medications, they put special baby locks on cabinets and they left me there.

Well heh I showed them!

dog damages wall

It didn’t take me long either. The wall texture is not as hard as you would think it is. And the baby locks pose no challenge for dog stamina and will power

When I finished, I stood next to my creation smiling widely ,as you can see, and waited patiently until someone would show up and appreciate the effort.

Unfortunately, after my mum finally came back from work, I did not receive warm words of appreciation I was counting on. In fact, I have heard a series of words that are absolutely unbecoming for a mother figure.

And I got told that I would stay in the cage forever.

But then again they are just a pair of big softies so …. they tiled that whole wall up and they tried again…

Practive makes perfect…. this time it took me two days to come up with something new.

My dad always thought I couldn’t open drawers, especially the ones placed quite high

You would think that would be it, but they actually tried one more time. They emptied ALL the drawers in the kitchen believe it or not.

So that time I had to think outside of the box – I chewed a cable that noone thought I could even reach when fully stood up:D

So, as you can probably imagine – I’m back at being locked in a cage when home alone, until they think of something better.

They said it’s for my own good as I could get electricuted.. Whatever, right?

So..This is my cage dog crate

You can find it on Ebay HERE. When I was a puppy we also had a matching divider like this one on ebay HERE that came handy and let my parents buy only one adult crate rather than buying a puppy one and then adult one, which saved them some money. If you have a really big house, you can always buy 48″ cage and your labrador will have a real luxury apartment zone like this one HERE on ebay.

Anyway, my cage is good and sturdy. My parents say it’s both for my own good and for the state of our house.

My ranking of the cage is 9 out of 10, because it feels safe and comfy, but of course I’d prefer it if I could unlock its door, which I can’t. Yet!

My parents ranking is 10 of 10 because it is very reasonably priced for its size and value. And I’ve had it for quite some time with no problems.

I do like it – I see it like my room. It’s proper size – the most important thing is that a labrador cage has to be a minimum 36 inch and preferably 42 inches and there should always be a full bowl of water in there.

And maybe a nice fluffy blanket.

And a nice fluffy bitch..

I’m getting ahead of myself here… they’d never let me move in with my girlfriend so young, even if I had one. They say I need to prove I’m mature before I want any more priviledges

It’s SO not fair – I am almost 18 now! (months, not years, but so what)

Shaun

 

Figure of Eight Lead

As I mentioned before I love my walkies!

But something has spoiled them for me lately.

The folks were discussing for months how I’m pulling and jumping at people and how they were embarrassed for me all the time, but I didn’t care. I mean, what could they possibly do to me? I’m strong, I’m packed like Johnny Bravo and I’m in my prime. Can’t touch this!

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Boy was I wrong! One day the mysterious packet came to our doorstep. My mum opened it, showed it to dad and they both looked at me like a wolf looks at a little lamb.

My little labrador heart stopped for a second cause I knew that look. I started having this terrible feeling that something was gonna change forever… and it did.

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They took out this weird looking lead. I have had (and destroyed) some leads before, but this one looked different. It looked ominous.

They played around my neck for some time before they figured out that was not really neck based lead like the previous ones.

They played a bit more and finally they’ve done so much mess that some weird loop shaped itself around my face and tightly wrapped itself around my poor nose.

I looked at them with pure disgust to show them what I thought of their bad skills and to motivate them to do better when they try next time, when I saw that they were pretty happy with the effect!

They stood there both nodding and smiling viciously. Surely it was not meant to stay like that!

And yet it did. (To this day I don’t know if it has been done correctly.)

They took me for a walk straight away. It was so weird! I couldn’t pull them where I wanted anymore. I heard mum say to dad that this was the best 12 quid she’d ever spent! O, treachery!

All I found out is that those things are called Figure of 8 Leads and are specifically designed to stop dogs from pulling. You can buy it on ebay HERE if you’re a human wanting to stop your doggy from pulling. If you’re a fellow dog however, don’t bother and be quiet about it, before your humans find out!

My review is 2 out of 10 (only gets 2 because it seemed to have increased the times my parents walk me)

My parents’ review is 9 out of 10 from the looks of their faces

I’m not happy! That must be animal rights abuse. To try to stop our natural urge to jump on people and pull our parents forcefully into the direction we choose?

I think I’ll call RSPCA… Or just cry.

Shaun

My Doggie Valentine

Well… here it is – my first Valentine’s Day as a grown up dog (I don’t remember much from last year’s one)
My parents are watching Romancing The Stone and eating Chinese food and I’m sat in front of my lab-top feeling sorry for myself.

Generally, I don’t mind being single most of the time, because:
1) Noone tells me what to do – except for my parents, but it doesn’t count cause I never listen
2) I get to play the field – I plan to date A LOT before I find The One.
3) I don’t have to share my food and my bed with anyone

But on a day like today, I’m thinking that it would be nice to have some gorgeous hairy princess I could watch The Lady And The Tramp with and share a bowl of spaghetti … wait a second – see? I WOULD have to share my food .. hhmmm

labrador in love

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I’ve decided to put my frustration into a good use and designed a dog valentine card featuring me of course – the photo was taken quite some time ago and I still had my puppy face then, but so what. I won’t be the first person to pretend to be younger than I really am.

Anyway, please be understanding – it’s not easy to draw in paint when you have paws instead of hands.

Hopefully, someday I’ll be able to give my card to a special lady.

Anyone else feeling blue today?

Shaun