International Women’s (And Bitches) Day

Today I haven’t got anything interesting to say for a change as I spent the first half of the day snoring on the sofa and the second half howling at the passers-by spotted through the window, but I just realised it is the 8th of March and I wanted to wish all the best to the lovely human ladies and fluffy labrador bitches that will read this

Shaun xxxx

Sex, Labs And Videotape

So I had an unexpected sort of a date yesterday afternoon in my favourite park.

It started so innocent. I was running about in the field, minding my own business and ignoring my dad as usual.

Just as we were about to leave, this gorgeous girl showed up. A yellow labrador bitch, built like a goddess, I mean real fox! She looked ready and willing I swear! She was circling me slowly, pretending to be interested in her little tennis ball, but come on! I know the game and I know what bitches really want, when they pretend to ignore you.

So, being a man of very few words, I have taken action straight away and went for the butt. I’m not sure what exactly happened from then, it was a blur really. Here’s a short story in pictures:

Did I really misread the signals? She couldn’t have possibly not noticed how ridiculously attractive I was, right?

Anyway she ran away as soon as my nose approached her behind:( She even moaned something under her nose, and I could swear it was not the good kind of moan either!

Maybe she was underage? That would explain it, I guess, but still….

And you know what was the worst part of it ? My mum taking photos and filming the whole thing! You really cannot count on any kind of respect or privacy in this family! I am glad that my non existing sex life amuses SOMEONE!

I am really not happy about this!

What did I do wrong??

Shaun

 

My Man Cave

I thought I’d talk a little about my crate as it is essentially my room.

I’ve noticed that some people don’t like the idea of a dog in a cage, but from my perspective – I don’t mind.

Sure, it is boring and sad if I had to sit there on my own for too long, but luckily my mum only works part-time so it’s not so bad.

The idea is that I will not have to be locked in forever – as soon as I calm down I won’t need it anymore – that’s what I’ve been told anyway.

There have been some attempts to “dogproof” the kitchen and keep me locked in there with an open crate before

Let me tell you a story about some of them “attempts”.

Some time ago they tried to make the kitchen my room and keep the crate open for me. So they removed all the knives and sharp objects from my reach, they have hidden all the food and medications, they put special baby locks on cabinets and they left me there.

Well heh I showed them!

dog damages wall

It didn’t take me long either. The wall texture is not as hard as you would think it is. And the baby locks pose no challenge for dog stamina and will power

When I finished, I stood next to my creation smiling widely ,as you can see, and waited patiently until someone would show up and appreciate the effort.

Unfortunately, after my mum finally came back from work, I did not receive warm words of appreciation I was counting on. In fact, I have heard a series of words that are absolutely unbecoming for a mother figure.

And I got told that I would stay in the cage forever.

But then again they are just a pair of big softies so …. they tiled that whole wall up and they tried again…

Practive makes perfect…. this time it took me two days to come up with something new.

My dad always thought I couldn’t open drawers, especially the ones placed quite high

You would think that would be it, but they actually tried one more time. They emptied ALL the drawers in the kitchen believe it or not.

So that time I had to think outside of the box – I chewed a cable that noone thought I could even reach when fully stood up:D

So, as you can probably imagine – I’m back at being locked in a cage when home alone, until they think of something better.

They said it’s for my own good as I could get electricuted.. Whatever, right?

So..This is my cage dog crate

You can find it on Ebay HERE. When I was a puppy we also had a matching divider like this one on ebay HERE that came handy and let my parents buy only one adult crate rather than buying a puppy one and then adult one, which saved them some money. If you have a really big house, you can always buy 48″ cage and your labrador will have a real luxury apartment zone like this one HERE on ebay.

Anyway, my cage is good and sturdy. My parents say it’s both for my own good and for the state of our house.

My ranking of the cage is 9 out of 10, because it feels safe and comfy, but of course I’d prefer it if I could unlock its door, which I can’t. Yet!

My parents ranking is 10 of 10 because it is very reasonably priced for its size and value. And I’ve had it for quite some time with no problems.

I do like it – I see it like my room. It’s proper size – the most important thing is that a labrador cage has to be a minimum 36 inch and preferably 42 inches and there should always be a full bowl of water in there.

And maybe a nice fluffy blanket.

And a nice fluffy bitch..

I’m getting ahead of myself here… they’d never let me move in with my girlfriend so young, even if I had one. They say I need to prove I’m mature before I want any more priviledges

It’s SO not fair – I am almost 18 now! (months, not years, but so what)

Shaun

 

Figure of Eight Lead

As I mentioned before I love my walkies!

But something has spoiled them for me lately.

The folks were discussing for months how I’m pulling and jumping at people and how they were embarrassed for me all the time, but I didn’t care. I mean, what could they possibly do to me? I’m strong, I’m packed like Johnny Bravo and I’m in my prime. Can’t touch this!

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Boy was I wrong! One day the mysterious packet came to our doorstep. My mum opened it, showed it to dad and they both looked at me like a wolf looks at a little lamb.

My little labrador heart stopped for a second cause I knew that look. I started having this terrible feeling that something was gonna change forever… and it did.

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They took out this weird looking lead. I have had (and destroyed) some leads before, but this one looked different. It looked ominous.

They played around my neck for some time before they figured out that was not really neck based lead like the previous ones.

They played a bit more and finally they’ve done so much mess that some weird loop shaped itself around my face and tightly wrapped itself around my poor nose.

I looked at them with pure disgust to show them what I thought of their bad skills and to motivate them to do better when they try next time, when I saw that they were pretty happy with the effect!

They stood there both nodding and smiling viciously. Surely it was not meant to stay like that!

And yet it did. (To this day I don’t know if it has been done correctly.)

They took me for a walk straight away. It was so weird! I couldn’t pull them where I wanted anymore. I heard mum say to dad that this was the best 12 quid she’d ever spent! O, treachery!

All I found out is that those things are called Figure of 8 Leads and are specifically designed to stop dogs from pulling. You can buy it on ebay HERE if you’re a human wanting to stop your doggy from pulling. If you’re a fellow dog however, don’t bother and be quiet about it, before your humans find out!

My review is 2 out of 10 (only gets 2 because it seemed to have increased the times my parents walk me)

My parents’ review is 9 out of 10 from the looks of their faces

I’m not happy! That must be animal rights abuse. To try to stop our natural urge to jump on people and pull our parents forcefully into the direction we choose?

I think I’ll call RSPCA… Or just cry.

Shaun

My Doggie Valentine

Well… here it is – my first Valentine’s Day as a grown up dog (I don’t remember much from last year’s one)
My parents are watching Romancing The Stone and eating Chinese food and I’m sat in front of my lab-top feeling sorry for myself.

Generally, I don’t mind being single most of the time, because:
1) Noone tells me what to do – except for my parents, but it doesn’t count cause I never listen
2) I get to play the field – I plan to date A LOT before I find The One.
3) I don’t have to share my food and my bed with anyone

But on a day like today, I’m thinking that it would be nice to have some gorgeous hairy princess I could watch The Lady And The Tramp with and share a bowl of spaghetti … wait a second – see? I WOULD have to share my food .. hhmmm

labrador in love

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I’ve decided to put my frustration into a good use and designed a dog valentine card featuring me of course – the photo was taken quite some time ago and I still had my puppy face then, but so what. I won’t be the first person to pretend to be younger than I really am.

Anyway, please be understanding – it’s not easy to draw in paint when you have paws instead of hands.

Hopefully, someday I’ll be able to give my card to a special lady.

Anyone else feeling blue today?

Shaun

That’s The Power Of Paw

dog paw

Dad was in a grumpy mood this afternoon. He called me a moron and told me to move it when I was waiting for him in the doorway waving my tail   🙁 I think he might still be upset about what happened earlier:

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In the morning he woke up in a great mood and started singing. He sang in the shower, then during breakfast and eventually he sat down on the sofa and started singing directly to me. I get really giddy when people sing to me, I can’t help it! Plus he was singing “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” and it was so bad I just wanted it to stop.

So I jumped on the sofa next to him and I wacked him in the face with my paw, partially to invite him to play and partially to shut him up.
It was meant as a friendly tap, but landed on his face funnily as a proper slap that knocked his glasses off and left him red-faced and and holding his cheek.

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That’ll teach him not to sing bad songs in a sophisticated company!
I’ve never seen mum laugh so much and for so long.

 

Shaun

Walkies

Don’t you just love walkies? I do.  I can’t get enough of them. Labradors are meant to get a lot of exercise….at least an hour a day.

Sometimes when the weather is good, mum and dad take me to a special place – a huge park where dogs run freely and play.

dog in park

There’s so many different dogs out there. Some of them will play with you, others will ignore you acting like they’re better than you.

And some of them have no spine either, I tell you!

They’ll be fetching like there’s no tomorrow. No free will or original thought in their wooly heads. Poor soulless puppets. Their dads will throw and they’ll fetch and so on and on and on.. Yawn!

You wanna know what I do out there? I do whatever the hell I want that’s what!

My dad can throw anything he likes and I’ll still do my stuff. And when he calls me to get the ball or tries to recall me altogether, I make a special effort to look him in the eye from a distance so he knows I’ve acknowledged. And then I go the opposite way. Oh yeah, I’m a wild one!

I think dad would prefer if I was one of them obedient balls of fluff, but I’ve got something they don’t – it’s called personality! You should have adopted a purse dog, dad mwahahaha!

Not to mention that in your beloved game of football noone fetches the ball, they kick it further like I am trying to do. You don’t see dogs on football ground running around and trying to bring the ball back to the kicker, do you?

Anyways, you know the drill – I only come to you when there’s is something to be gained there for me. Trick or treat!

Shaun

Dog References In Human Culture

I’ve been watching a lot of TV lately and ,I tell you, some of those human expressions about dogs make no sense to me at all:/ I have few follow-up questions:

 

1) Why do people call someone a son of a bitch when they clearly want to insult them? I am a son of a bitch and it doesn’t offend me one bit!. Am I missing something here?

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2) And I’m wondering about doggy style… I dont think I have it.. should I be working on my doggy style? Or does it simply mean I should just be myself (aka a dog) going about my business, sleeping, chewing etc and that will be the doggy style?

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3) Or why do the Beatles sing “It’s been a hard day’s night and I’ve been working like a dog“? I am a dog.  And I don’t work! What gives? What do they mean by that?  They must be talking rubbish! Or do other dogs have jobs I don’t know about? Does it mean other dogs have money to buy treats and take their bitches to expensive restaurants? I must look into it.

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4) Or how about this – This is a real bad one!  it’s a dog’s life. I’ve noticed people use it to describe something negative so I’ve googled it. It says – a dog’s life means a miserable unhappy existence!

What is this?! Is this really how humans perceive dogs?
It’s truly depressing. That’s why we need more dogs with positive attitude like myself to change those medieval views! It really makes me wanna weep for humanity. I’m going to lie down and chew my favourite blanket until I fall into oblivion.

Shaun

P.S Any comments welcome, especially if they are going to cheer me up!

My Name Is….!

  People are often surprised when my parents tell them my name is Shaun.

      I guess they want to hear that it is Fluffball or Pawster or Mr Cuddly and all that nonsense. Well it isn’t OK? And I do enjoy disappointing people’s cliche expectations.

happy mondays dog
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        I was actually named after Shaun Ryder, the singer in my mum’s favourite band Happy Mondays.  Not a perfect role model for a young and easily corrupted puppy like myself, I can tell you!

I’ve done some reading and it turns out that Shaun Ryder did in his youth all those things that I am not allowed:

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1) He did lots of drugs while dogs are not even allowed a painkiller as it makes them violently sick!

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2) He stole expensive stuff like instruments and clothes, while I’m not even allowed a piece of dad’s chicken from his plate.

.3) He shouted and swore every other word while I get told off for one single bark in the postman’s direction

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4) He killed pigeons for fun  – I found a dead pigeon once and brought it to my mum and dad – you can not imagine the screaming and disgust I had to listen to – not to mention that I really had to run for it and at the end I didn’t get to keep it. 

I wonder if Shaun Ryder ever had to put up with that kind of nonsense…I bet noone called HIM a bad dog either!

I want to join a band someday too. Bitches dig musicians! I am already thinking of some catchy names. Here are my choices:  The LabraDOORS…….The Rolling Shauns……Pet Shaun Boys …Dog Eat Dog

Oh wait… Looks like Dog Eat Dog is already taken… How weird! I thought I was being so original with my ideas:/

 

I’m Gonna Be a Stud, Baby!

Yes!!! I just overheard my parents talking.

They are going to pimp me out !!!

They are going to post a sex ad at the end of March, when I’m 18 months old, and they are going to find me a nice fluffy bitch to love!

I need to try to get some sexy pics taken, like lying on the bed with a tempting pose or licking my lips in a sensual way. Here’s my first attempt. What do you think – Are bitches gonna line up or what?

sexy dog face

Anyway – My parents can advertise me separately, but I will advertise here as well in the hope of maybe even meeting my soul mate along the way. So here goes the first draft:

        A sexy and fit young stud labrador (currently living in West Yorkshire in England ) will meet lovely ladies who want to get pregnant in the fastest and yet most enjoyable way and have lots of beautiful light yellow puppies with great genes. Who knows, one of them might even become the president of United States one day (since it doesn’t take much these days)  KC registered with great scores and eyesight  and my parents have all the relevant documents. So come on girls, wait no more – let me be your baby daddy !

How does that sound? Not too subtle? Any comments welcome

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OMG I’m so happy!

Now I understand why they took me to the vets so many times. All the test proven to be great apparently – elbow score is 0 and hip score total is 7 and apparently it’s very good.

Whatever! Who cares about my hips and elbows – it’s the little Shaun that bitches are gonna appreciate the most! 🙂

Shaun