I thought I’d tell you about my first day in my present home as a little innocent puppy and show you how cute I was back then.
As we estabilished HERE, I was adopted by my human parents some time ago and lived with them ever since as their generally happy, but delightfully rebellious son.
I don’t actually remember my first day after adoption (or anything before it for that matter), but here’s how it happened, according to my parents.
When they brought me home, I was so scared, I hid in the corner and wouldn’t move for many hours.
Then they put my on the sofa to sit with them and I was even more terrified (I probably didn’t have a clue what those huge monsters wanted from me and imagination is always worse than the reality so…)
Anyway, probably because of all that fear, I got constipated and wouldn’t poo for the whole evening. As a result, I pooed a lot in my cage later on, when they were fast asleep upstairs. Then I howled, because I was forced to sit so close to the poo I just did. Then I stepped into the poo and howled some more. Eventually they got up at 5am (AT LAST!) and cleaned the whole mess up. They say I had never pooed in my cage after that. I’m not suprirised at all. I’m sure I’d much rather poo in THEIR bed instead, if I had the chance.
I was adorable though, right? Do you see that baby fat? That has now turned into pure muscle and sex appeal, I assure you.
I can’t help but notice how dopey I look on those old photos though. Do you think it’s possible my parents drugged me at the breeder’s house and simply kidnapped me straight from my poor biological mother’s womb? I wouldn’t put it past them!
I’m curious – Why do you always hear about dogs attacking the postmen, but you never hear about the postmen attacking dogs? Surely it happenes sometimes…
If dogs are as mean and horrible to postmen as everyone claims to be the case, why don’t the postmen fight back? I’m a bit sceptical about this whole “mean dog & poor postman” business.
My relationship with our postman is not violent at all, but it is definitely special. I’d call it love and hate relationship. The love part mostly from my end and the hate part – from his.
I don’t know his name, but I like to imagine it’s Pat. He gets to our street everyday around noon with his magnificent moustache and a bag full of exciting letters and packages. Sometimes he brings leaflets too, but I don’t hold it against him.
I want to greet him personally, every time he comes around and I want to show him that I am loads of fun. I bark loudly for him to hear me through the closed door, but that doesn’t seem to impress him much:(
In fact, it seems to make him leave our doorstep that much quicker!
What am I doing wrong here? I just want to get to know him better. He looks like an interesting man with an impeccable fashion sense – his red face matches the red Royal Mail uniform that he wears (coincidence? I think not!)
He must be a deeply traumatised individual to have lost his trust in dogs so completely. I wish he understood that my barking comes from a good place and I’m not going to hurt him.
Mum has been sick over last three days and she has been absolutely useless to work with! I now have to do my own editing in addition to being a brilliant writer.
As you can probably notice, there is no photo of me in this post. The reason for it is that she is lying in bed feeling sorry for herself, while so many of my good hair days and general gorgeousness moments are being wasted every minute she doesn’t take photos of me! I seriously hope she feels better and gets her act together while I’m still young and handsome.
I’d take a selfie, but it is really hard to take a pitcure of a gorgeous dog and BE the georgeous dog in the same time. And we all know that men cannot multitask anyway.
Mum doesn’t just feel bad – she looks awful too! But of course I won’t tell her that. You don’t say things like that to the person who has full control over your food, do you? But, between you and me, this is what she looks like:
Humans are so weak, you gotta feel sorry for them. I suppose you have to forgive them their weakness as they are inferior beings. They don’t have magnificent hair coats to cover their skin like I do and their noses are tiny so they constantly get blocked with flegm and god knows what else (poor things, like they don’t have a terrible sense of smell as it is, right?)
And another thing – Sometime ago I mentioned about some really bad and unfair dog references in human culture (you can read it HERE). Here’s another one for you – humans use the expression to be sick as a dog in relation to someone actually being really sick. Let me tell you something – I’m now a year and 8 months old (which is about 12 or 13 years in human years, I believe ) and I’ve never been ill in all that time. In the meantime my mum had 2 throat infections and 3 colds and my dad had 2 colds and 2 stomach bugs. So there you go – yet another dog reference humans should seriously rethink!
I better lie down next to her now and exercise my tilt to cheer her up, maybe she’ll get her lazy butt up to throw me a snack, which would be a highlight of my day! That’s how low I’ve sunk in my poor dogsistence.
I forgot to mention before that I have a gorgeous neighbour called Lola. She is a brown labrador bitch and she is a little older than me (but not enough to call it creepy!) Our parents know each other from work and yesterday they’ve arranged to meet up for a labradate.
I got there all hopeful and over the moon, because I still remembered how beautiful Lola was and how invitingly she smelled last time I saw her.
At first I played it cool, pretended I wasn’t that desperate.
But we all know that I AM that desperate so I tried to approach her from the right…
..and then from the left…
And finally I made my move
As you can see, she couldn’t be less interested if I was a spot on her collar. All she was bothered about was that green ball in her mouth.
I have balls too! – they’re different colour, but they’re still balls! 🙁
Did you notice how long and hairy her legs are? Absolute perfection!
But she just wants to be friends:( What is a dog to do when they hear that terrible verdict – let’s be friends!
Well, I took her swimming instead. If I can’t have her, I can at least admire her behing from a close distance. Friends can come in all sorts of shapes – my friend has a lovely shape mwahahaha 😀
Shaun in love
As most of you know, I have done some sweet damage in my days (you can read more about it HERE) and my parents have had no trust in me ever since those events and would put me in the cage whenever they had to leave me alone in the house.
But I told you they’re soft and they’ll keep trying to change that, despite their bad memories of what I can do – and I was right.
As I am writing this, there’s a guy in our kitchen, tiling over the electric sockets that are within my reach and putting a massive board over any pipes and cables I might reach; or more like I HAVE REACHED before (sshhh!)
This is me observing the whole proces with all the scepticism and bitterness a young lab can muster and looking for any weak spots that I could use to break through those precautions in the near future.
I’ll have to really think outside the box on this one as they have really thought of it all – no cable or pipe access whatsoever, no electricity in my reach and I heard them say that from now on all the bottom drawers and cabinets will be empty. Plus there’s a big fat lock on the detergent cabinet and tiles on the wall everywhere. This will be a tough one to crack, but I’ll keep thinking.
Any ideas… anyone?
This weekend we went to my favourite park for a run.
I’ve got a special skill that my parents are not too fond of – even if it hasn’t been raining for many days and the whole grass area in that massive park seems to be dry, I always manage to find a little bit of mud to get into and then stick my tongue out to show them I’m my own boss, in case they still doubt that somehow.
Why not anyway? Mud is good! There are at least four big reasons to do it:
1) It’s good for your skin. All spa retreats have mud masks or mud baths in their offers and they charge good money for it too! I get it for free and I will remain forever young if I treat myself to it, whenever I get the chance.
2) Humans will do anything to avoid a dirty dog runing straight at them, which gives me special powers. I feel like a young Thor when I charge around the park and everybody step away as I approach. That’s right – show some respect, humans!
3) It’s a good place for hanging out with the bitches – mud is so smooth and sexy!
4) Annoying the parents – that’s just a cherry on the cake.
After a mud bath I’m usually forced to get into the nearby river and then brutally dragged to a pub where my parents have a pint and wait for me to get dry. It needs to be said, that, while they drink their favourite beers, I only get a bowl of tasteless water, but I pay them back by always managing to hide a little bit of mud left on me and making sure it gets properly smeared on the sofa when we get back home!
They say that Karma is a bitch.
I’d like to meet her:)
A B C !
Not sure what is a blogging dog supposed to say when testing whether his website is working, but I think we’re back online, aren’t we?
Last week mum made a real mess trying to transfer hosting of this website and it took few days and a really nice and helpful man called Craig to bring this website back online on a new hosting platform.
Anyway, in the meantime you missed one of my tiny nervous breakdowns. Not sure if you recall, but my parents have posted an ad offering my stud services when I turned 18 months (which was last month)- And a few days ago a man called asking about me and saying that he had a big labrador bitch that wanted to meet me and that she was coming out of season and we needed to hurry. I didn’t understand what was all that season gibberish about; all I heard was a big labrador bitch and hurry so we got ourselves a date for the following morning.
Everything was good and ready – I put a scented candle on, cleaned my privates and waited in my usual gorgeous position filled with anticipation and excitement, but then that man called again and cancelled.. His bitch was not in season anymore:(
I was mortified. Is this all I’m good for? A piece of hot meat used only for reproduction? How could they have even assumed that I would put out on the first date?
OK, I probably would, but they should NOT have assumed it so easily!
We didn’d have to go all the way, we could have just had a bowl of Pedigree and watch some Dog TV. Or just get to know each other a bit better.
Jeez! Humans are so clinical.
I feel cheap and used. In fact, even worse than used, because I WASN’T ACTUALLY used so both my body and my soul feel lonely and frustrated now.
I’ve watched the movie called The Burbs with my parents last night and I’ll tell you something – I’ll never look at the neighbours the same way again!
I’m looking at a nice smiling 90 year old man from across the street taking the trash out, barely walking on his shaky legs and all I think about is that he’s probably carrying out dead puppies in that trash bag of his! Not to mention the thoughts that come to my mind, when I see the smoke coming out of their chimney!
I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight.
Btw keep your fingers crossed – mum is moving the Blogrador website to another hosting server this evening, so who knows what will come out of it – I am really sceptical. Hosting websites is a complicated business. She can’t even put her foot in her mouth and I’m supposed to trust her with my life’s work!
I just thought of something awful – What if she’s in cahoots with the murdering old man from across the steeet?!!! What if she’s not just trying to move my website, but also move my organs ?! And they’re going to sell them on the black market…or even eat them! And then burn my remains to fuel the central heating. She has been complaining about the house being cold lately!!!:(
I don’t think I like watching TV anymore:(
I’m back from the break! Missed me?
OK so, in case you didn’t know – last week my mum was away and dad and I had the house to ourselves. It was great! We would hang out in the garden playing and running and he took me for many long walkies.
Then we would come back and hang out in the living room playing xbox and drinking beer. Well, technically he was actually DOING all those things; I was just watching him.
But watching someone drink is even more fun than drinking yourself.
How do I know?
Firstly – When dad went to the toilet I had a few good slurps from his pint glass and it’s really not that big of a deal as I thought it would be judging from the happy expression on dad’s face every time he opened a bottle.
Secondly – I like sitting next to dad and watching him getting more and more drunk and cursing at the xbox console as he looses – and from my observations, the more he drinks, the worse he plays, which means more cursing and more fun for me!
But I don’t like to see him suffer too long so when he got particularly bad, I gave him one of my master tilts and it seemed to have cheered him up.
Holidays are just awesome, aren’t they?
I spent most of that time just lying on the sofa like this:
You gotta admire the skills it took for me to take this selfie too!
But everything good has to end and so did my holiday – mum came back and she didn’t want to join the fun, so we had to clear out with the console and make room for labtop, which means that The Blogrador is back!
Tomorrow my mum is going away to visit my grandma abroad.
I wouldn’t mind essentially (I’m not a mama’s boy or anything!), but she IS my editor, which means I won’t be able to blog or even update anything for a full week!
I heard her ask dad if he would help me out with my website in her place, but he flatly refused saying he doesn’t believe in all that blog nonsense and dogs should not concern themselves with internet websites and posts.
He also said that he will be too busy drinking beer, watching football and playing xbox this whole time. (In case you are wondering – No, my dad is NOT a teenage boy)
Dad firmly believes that dogs should be seen not heard (or published) and it will do me some good to chew a bone (we’ll see) and maybe learn to fetch for a change (over my dead body! – as you can read HERE I don’t fetch – I do my own thing!)
Dad has always wanted a typical dog and ,between you and me, I don’t think he likes the idea of a highly intelectual, self educated and well spoken canine using his computer and internet allowance.
As much as I disagree with dad’s assessment of a dog’s role in a modern society, I suppose a little vacation can’t kill me. I could catch up on sleeping and general resting from my highly exhausting life – all that staring in my labtop screen has been getting to me lately, and I’m scared it will make me really NEED the glasses that I’ve only been using for fun until now.
So here’s how I plan to be resting:
I’ll also use that time off to try my head tilting on dad and see if it works just as well as it does with mum. Will let you know how it went in a week.
In the meantime..